The Art of Forgiveness

2am, Awake and in a low. A million reasons come to mind, but one in-particular constantly surfaces.
The word, Forgiveness. What it is, The impact it can have on the mind, the body and the soul, The very meaning of Forgiveness.

How I came up for this topic, I really can’t explain, it’s neither the time or place, but it involves a lot of people, new and old and a very familiar social activity that should be both fun and relaxing instead of hostile and confrontational.

The best way to explain is just to be flat out about it, about this time last year I invited a few individuals to said familiar activity as a positive distraction from the daily bordoms of spare time and unproductive hours of the mornings, at first it was fun, everyone was having a good time, then it complicated itself with a good group of friends and a handful of unsavory individuals. I don’t bother for unsavory types, regardless what it is they think they accomplish, I switch off, or I go to other areas, or other activities, it’s a simple solution.
Whatever happens is none of my business. This unfortunately wasn’t something I had prepared for,
A case of “in the wrong place at the wrong time”, and suddenly I’m one of the few stuck in the middle,

I was pissed, the implentation was undeniably unbiased; So many factors that could of gone wrong, went wrong. When given advice and it only half-heard/ half listened is something I nearly never tolerate, ever. period, it’s a saving Grace I don’t go from 0 to self-destruct mode when it does happen.

After everything that had happened, I stopped joining in on anything that was planned, I did my own thing and assumed other people would do the same and (somewhat hopeful) others we’re going to start discussing the precarious situation and the events that had occurred, it never happened, instead – chinese whispers, doxxing, slander and delusions…

The whole point is – Forgiveness can be Weak and powerful. If you lack the ability to forgive you can’t allow others to forgive you on your misgivings. it’s a simple and basic fundamental logic. This is what makes Forgiveness weak. the LACK of Forgiveness is it’s weakness, and in that weakness you allow a world of unhealthy possibilities, anger, resentment, self-doubt all have a front door to your mind.

The Art of Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, You can move past things without being (totally) hung up on how things happened, why, or even who was really responsible. Leave it alone, Let it Go, unless it’s something that is actively affecting you now or has dramatically altered how you live your life then consider thinking of what you still have, or what you can still accomplish through Forgiving.

Forgiveness is NOT a weakness, it’s a POWERFUL ally, the second you think about it, and how it in some possible way, unavoidable – it becomes a state of fiction, a fact – there was nothing that everyone involved could have done any differently to change the result. If it was something that was eventually going to happen, then maybe that’s how it is. Life can lay traps like it everywhere.. Switch gears and keep going.

I also know it’s been a while since the last post, let’s just say a few months without the Internet is good for the soul and maybe some actual “down” time may just be the thing you need… In the worst case that you’ve actually read this far, maybe take 15 minutes, and think about what it is you want out of life and what you want your future to be…

It always sounds stupid to me writing these posts thinking they can help but in reality, it’s taking a page out the back of my mind, and doing a literally cut, copy and paste in one go – it never used to work this well but I can always say Stranger Things have happened :3

Time for a hot drink and some sleep.
If you need the same, you should probably do the same 🙂

A “Relationship without Foundation”

So It’s been nearly 6 months since my last post – I guess you could say I’ve been neglecting my blogging commitments, But I’m guessing that’s the effect of actively working and effectively searching for the backdoor to a job.

Yeah that’s a sidetrack for another day. What I really wanted to share with the world was this term I stumbled across known as an “Relationship without Foundation”.

What is it?
How can it Develop?
When can it Occur?
I’ve yet to find a solid answer for these, but if I’m honest with You (and Myself), It’s actually quite simple.

What is it?
Well. for context, I’m sure in Your lifetime You’ve met someone you believe to be “The One”, right down to the gut instinct and firmest belief You will at some point Marry this individual, (And if you haven’t, those thoughts have might just crossed your mind)
Right?
What If; at some point – This person You thought you know, and believe in every facet has shown their true colours; has discovered themselves over the course of this “Relationship”.

What If; You make every effort on a daily basis a thing… draining you of not only your Livelihood, But comes with the risk of setting your very Soul on fire..

You’ve done everything, You cut back on an activity, You changed what you said, or how you’ve said it, You yourself have changed (Red Flag!!)
And yet – nothing’s changed; but everything’s changed. Like a Windows 10 Rollback to a terrible Restore Point – you’ve noticed all these changes unfold now becoming undone by something, someone or like a click in the brain it’s gone like a switch of a light.

How Can It Develop?
I think for the extra context – in my case it was a life changing experience that solidified my false sense of security – that “Things were OK” It was an easy trap – I’m very much a Lover and a person of positivity like many others.

In reality, there were a lot of things that needed to be discussed about, contested, argued and debated on, it’s a total Myth that couples don’t have arguments, in fact – it’s an outright Lie.
Every argument you have with your significant other brings you closer to common ground
The things that you put your (supposed) significant other clears the way for a greater and more equal compromise. That’s a known fact.

When can it Occur?

I really haven’t got an answer for this – It can happen at any stage in life, in love, any time, If you know yourself that you are a confident loving individual which you should never doubt yourself on then the only “possible When” – is When someone decides on taking advantage of that fact and intends to use you, for whatever reason play with you like a toy and in the end, Break. You. Down.
This is a harsh truth since we can easily lie to ourselves, ensnare others in this act and still create an illusional sense of security.

Was It Enough?
Perhaps at the time things were great, or You thought they were great, (For Them – maybe, or maybe it was Hell and They decided to hide that one important truth from You)
Who knows…
Maybe it took a third party to point out all the wrongs in Your life and take a stance that (significant other’s name) has done nothing wrong.
Maybe it took a third party to take control, to manipulate your sense of security for their own benefit. There is no real answer for Enough – the word alone is subjective, and in comparison to certain timeframes and acts – It could well have been “enough” and others wanted more..

The last one I think is missing is dealing with it –
No matter what others tell you, you can always improve who you are, take the good with the bad, if there just happens to be a bad response with something you did or someone else did, apologise and forgive, get it over with, work on what you did wrong or learn to tolerate and live with it, the second part is move on, it may take weeks, months or years before you start building up on yourself but that you will be the best you.

The Overprotective of my enemy.

Sitting here in the hall ways of time itself, a campus building of white walls and blue hallways I see the shadow of a hypocrite, I see the source of all the problems and the clear path to the exit and solution

Today I repressed myself, the first time for ignoring myself, the second for ignoring the situation and the third for hesitating.

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer – anon

Today I handed money to a person I genuinely have lost respect for, but something prevented me from not stopping myself and I ask myself am I stupid, am I an enabler, am I just doing something nice or am I just being a good person.

A lot of that is really difficult to answer when you find yourself constantly reminding yourself how much of a terrible person you really are, and the multiple things in the past that you’ve done good and bad, that seemingly cancel each other out, you could almost say it’s the universe balancing itself out,

It feels strange almost hypocritical of me to think The universe can be pretty unfair, I can deal with unfair but people, they can be cruel. To be a cruel person you have to have intent to hurt people, you have to have a hole in your heart the size of  your fist.

I’ve spent about half the day setting my head straight for the evening and I’m certain, there are people like me who will make sure to bring out your best, even if it means verbal warfare and passive aggressive post it notes ideally without – and that alone should be enough inspiration to make an attempt with people.

I maintain one thing – You always get treated by how you act..

Again more than usual, this is an open letter to myself, it’s my way of releasing the negative valve in my life, but to give the post some context and maybe give some people something to think about, just because your experiences have been terrible, it shouldn’t give you an excuse to be a terrible person, just because you are going through a terrible time, doesn’t give you an excuse to give other people a terrible time, just because you did something terrible to one person doesn’t mean other people should have to do the same terrible thing.

There are a lot of people that need to unplug themselves, leave to a quiet place and learn about themselves instead of disassociating themselves and those around them with irreversible behaviour that leads to mental disorders..

Get help, if this in any way offended you.. talk to a professional, this is writing from the heart and addressing the root of my problem, at the very least, do the same.

Game Development 102 (for dummies like me)

Alright, so I said that I would have something to display, for Game Development – particularly 102.

In this post – we’ll explore Trigonometry and how games use it, assuming you followed the previous post and brushed up on the subjects (physics wasn’t really necessary, but I did say it was a bonus, it’s basically for the more advanced stuff such as “trajectory” and kinetic energy, I didn’t do Physics but it’s a fundamental unwritten rule for Development of a game to understand terms – I’ll elaborate later on this, if you plan on building a shooter game, you’ll need to determine how long a bullet travels for at whatever angle, and what the trajectory would be, what the loss of acceleration blah blah (didn’t do physics excuse)… a perfect example for this is Battlefield and it’s somewhat simulated coding for “Bullet Drop”.. but that’s for another time..(when I actually understand it in a little more detail)

Continue reading

Rant: Games, DLCs and Publishers #1

I understand the ideals of gaming companies making expansions and DLCs but why make them crap?? I mean, us as Gamers, some of us are more privileged than others, I’m not gonna break my money-plan for games if I want to build my monster rig.. which would you guys put first? a monster rig for your dream job or games. I already know the answer – it’s awesome if you agree with me.
and.. Continue reading

Game Development 101

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Assuming you have the technological know-how of a computer and the it’s internal workings, I’ll start off at a level a basic level of the average computer user.

Game Development is the inside functioning of any game you see today – it is, just as an equal importance to other areas of the gaming industry such as animation or 3D Modelling as it is in itself, and learning how to do it, and You really should question yourself and your confidence in your ability, as an enthusiast – I took an Interest in something called UDK – (Unreal Development Kit) straight on a finished download I was stumped, there was so much involved at the one time there was no time to think which to do first.. Continue reading