It’s difficult to describe, where to start off with such a brutal title, In fact it’s actually really hard to think where to start and how.
How do you describe a person that looks, feels and understands themselves to be happy, but underneath the thick layers of onion, is the atomic core of sadness, disappointment, shame and anger.
How do you know you’ve been bitten by the Black Dog (Depression) when it may just as well have eaten you whole for your entire life, and you’re searching for something that just hasn’t been there, in the pits of the dark innards of Time, Space and Thought.
I could as well write a book, but I choose to make help freely available through search terming and the vast use of the web.
I must have been 10 when I was introduced to unhappiness, I was uprooted from a Home and to a strange place, not knowing what the future would be like, I didn’t like it, and was hesitant in making friends throughout my entire life, I could call this a catalyst but it wasn’t, it was only until I was of the age of 14-16 where I would be in Secondary school, that the system let me down, because of my medical condition I was in and out of hospital nearly every 6 months, for EEG, CT, blood work, to find a root cause, but it never happened, I’m 30 this year and still have the same medical condition, although controlled. unlike when I was 14. Because of this, I did very bad in my education and had the worst possible start in life, until 2006, where I finished a Leaving Certificate at a fairly decent 82%, this is when I suspected my life was nothing short of distraction, emptiness and without reason until 2007 when I met someone that made me feel wanted, made me feel I had a reason, gave me the self confidence that I could do anything If I put my mind to it, a year later We married,
Anyone that’s still reading, it will sometimes feel Life isn’t fair and I write this hoping that I can empathise with other people and other people can understand me a little more.
2008, my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer, and this destroyed me, I put up a tower that I could climb and hide in so well, that in March 2010, that tower was put to rubble. I wondered, Where was God in any of this. Why my Dad? Why not anyone else? Why not Her Dad? or a cousin, an Uncle an Aunt? or someone we never talk to, but him? My best friend in the family? Someone I would almost ALWAYS go to if anything would go sour.
December 2010, We welcomed a new member to the family, and the next to the surname at that, I couldn’t had been any happier and more blessed, I will stand my ground when I say that on the day of his arrival, the top priority should, and always will be independence, I was kicked out minutes after being told I was holding a baby wrong (When I wasn’t), This was the day that drove a wedge between me and my family and put me in an awkward place any time with the grandparents, eventually, contact was lost completely with my family for 4 years and I was isolated.
Between enjoying a 2 year old (or 1 and a bit depending on the time of year), 2012 was good times, everyone spoke to one another, there were no more than the usual family arguments about no takeaway, no money to sponge off for hobbies, I enjoyed doing the Graphic Design, it’s sad that they decided the award would be changed to Arts, Craft and Design (since I was applying to Limerick School of Art and Design at the time with nothing to go on but basic portfolio work) and was a blow that I never found the motivation to submit the portfolio, it’s as simple as I wasn’t happy with it.
2014 to now,
I still feel, I could have done a lot better at UL than what has transpired, I have a lot of people to blame for my grades, I was an idiot to carry group projects but I proved to myself I can do web development and I can do game scripting with time and effort, I regret putting so much on others, but at this stage I believe each project was dragging me down one by one, and the exams.. I was basically just an emotional punching bag, and I was the fool for not spotting any of it. Apologies just won’t cut it.
What am I trying to get at with this…
I’m hoping the people that do know me, think of me in a better light than I’ve painted in the past and decide on that, If you remember the “real” me, that had “good” days, that is the person I should had been and will be now,
Life has a funny way of throwing something at you, and it may seem like the best thing in the world, and soon feel like the worst, that might not just be them, it could be you, and if that stirred doubt, get Help, talk to someone, a complete Stranger, someone who will listen to your problems and give you the best advice possible..
I wrote this with an extreme amount of anonymity, but at a level of detail so others could take from it, don’t make my mistake. spend your day like it’s your last. spur on a friend to go on a walk.
I consider this post a bookmark in my life, whether or not it’s “on the internet” it’s something I felt I needed to share to others, and importantly, to the world…
and if I’m honest with myself, it feels like I’m in a low, but just keeping afloat…
Yes, it sucks, but it’s how you deal with the problem that can resolve the problem instead of diluting it (hiding it) or blanketing it (ignoring it)…